Tale 5 - Hook a Duck - A National Scandal

My children have a talent. They have a sense of smell like the famous Childcatcher on “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.” He could smell children, my children can smell opportunities to waste my money.

A couple of weeks back whilst coming home from school the Prince of Tales (Harry), shrieked with joy.

“Dad, the fair is coming.”

I panicked. 

“I don’t think so. Why would you think that?” 

“The poster in the shop we just past, it advertised the fair.”

“Old poster” I said, comfortable in lying to my children for the sake of my pocket.

We then hit a traffic jam, coming to a standstill outside the post office with another poster for the fair.

“July 2022” remarked the Sassy Princess. “Not very old poster dad.”

“Ah yes, but that fair is not very good. There is a better one coming soon. I will spend my money on the better one when it comes” I again lied 

“When is that” remarked the Prince of Tales

“ Err Christmas” I lied for a third time.

It’s amazing how easy it is to lie to your own children. However, they always have the same response when confronted with refusals for events that require cash.

“It’s ok, we will bring our own money for this fair”

What is “our own money.” It’s basically my money. They have no savings, but will continually hold me to ransom for weeks until funds are raised. Requests to tidy the bed, putting a piece of rubbish in the bin etc will be followed by the phrase “ How much is it worth?” The thought of such torture and questioning for weeks I can’t take so I cave in for the sake of my sanity.

“We will go on Friday.”

They only good thing about a promise to go to the fair is I can use the threat of breaking the promise for everything . Any poor behaviour, failure to eat tea, petty arguments will be met with;

“If you don’t do as your told then the fair is off!” 

The power, for a few days, is amazing! It’s a false threat though as probably only murder or arson will stop the trip to the fair realistically going ahead.

So the day of the fair has arrived. I have remortgaged the house and we are ready to go. To my relief it’s a small fair, with about 5 rides. I become cocky and say you can go on everything! So, we have a burger and candy floss, then go on the dodgems, the helter skelter, the twister, the carousel, and finally the swing ride.  I feel like I have done all I can, and for once, I am the best dad in the world.

 Then to my horror, the Prince Of Tales spots something we have not been on, and I hear words that send shivers down my spine.

“Dad, can we go on the hook a duck before we go?”

The Hook a Duck stall is a national scandal. I could bore people all day with my thoughts, but let me simplify them!

1 The stall says on it “A game of skill”. To my knowledge, no one in the history of the world has lost at Hook a Duck. How can you? Even if you are a one month old baby you can get an adult to help. If you have lost at Hook a Duck please let me know. I can’t imagine a lower place in life.

 Can you imagine the conversation?

“Hi stall holder, I can’t catch that any of them darn ducks. You win Sir. Please take my three pounds. I accept my defeat and low skill level. Today I was unable to secure a superb prize. I wish you good day.” 

Is a conversation I believe has never happened as Hook a Duck IS NOT A SKILL GAME! 

2 The prizes. Do not start me!!

Firstly, you pay three pounds to win a prize from the poundshop. If I put a paddling pool in my garden full of hook a ducks and invited my children outside to play they would not move their eyes from their iPads. They would just mumble “No thanks.” Yet ask them at the fair do they want to spend three of daddy’s pounds on a cheap pound shop toy and they can’t get the hook stick in their hands quick enough!

Secondly, the prizes are the most stereotyped you can imagine. When, amazingly, both my children achieve the skill level to hook a duck (This is sarcasm), we are told girls can have any prize from the girl section and boys and prize from the boys section.

The girl prizes are dollies, little pottery tea sets, a plastic iron and plastic food. Basically, preparation to become a good housewife.

This is nothing compared to the boy prizes. Machine guns, daggers, hand grenades, guns and crossbows. Basically preparation to become a good serial killer.

With my morals and high disregard for Hook a Duck, I of course should have not let the Prince of Tales or the Sassy Princess have a go. However, morals mean nothing when confronted with a meltdown. 

The Prince of Tales has currently loaded his bow and arrow and is pointing it directly at my face, whilst the Sassy Princess is nursing her new baby saying she can’t wait to have lots of her own!!

I bloody hate Hook a Duck!

Have you got an irrational hatred of something? What’s your equivalent of my Hook a Duck?