Tale 4 - Stress at the supermarket

Every morning I drop off the Sassy Princess (Niamh) and the Prince of Tales (Harry) at school. I then set off for the supermarket!

In the olden days we would do one big shop! This resulted in a visit to any supermarket and  a fridge full of food. By the end of the week half of it not eaten and thrown away.

Not anymore. Money is tight, so House Husband  goes every day to Aldi or Lidl (The cheapest supermarkets) and buys just what is needed for the day. The Sassy Princess and the Prince of Tales prefer Pepsi to Freeway cola, but as my grandma used to say, "You'll get used to it.”

Cheap and no waste. What could be simpler. Surely there are no problems? Of course there are!

I have sat exams from GCSE to degree level.

I have played in national and UK football finals

I have had three hour meetings with OFSTED

I have been told I will not walk properly again.

I have received a death threat.

My point, I have been in stressful situations. However, none of the above compare to the stress of the supermarket shop!

Why. Three simple things:

1 The car boot in the middle aisles

What is going on in the middle aisles at Aldi and Lidl?? I am buying bread and crisps when I suddenly come across a car boot sale! Last week at Aldi there was a socket set, then a jigsaw, then a cushion in the shape of a log from a tree. If anyone had those three things on their shopping list I doff my cap to them! The problem is I'm on a budget. When I walk down these aisles a voice in my head starts to tell me to buy things I don't need:

 "Look Clarkey,  Fly Fishing by JR Hartley, a book you have always wanted."

I now shut my eyes when walk through the middle aisles.

2 The carrier bag

Organised people have spare carrier bags in their car. This is not going to happen in my life so every visit I have to buy bag or bags. Below are my issues:

- The bags are usually sealed so they are impossible to open, and speed, as you will see in the next section is important.

- If you do manage to open the bag, the handles for some reason are stuck together. If you pull them apart, you create a hole by the handles which critically weakens the bag.

How do I know?

Last weak I critically weakened the bag but carried on packing regardless. When I lifted the bag, the bottom collapsed, and a jar of pickles smashed splashing vinegar all over my trousers. Obviously everyone in the long queue saw this, but to compound the issue the checkout man goes on the tannoy saying:

 "Assistance to checkout 4, spillage and clean up needed"

This alerted the whole supermarket to my dilemma, and when your 50 plus with stains on your trousers and someone is shouting  spillage alert, it's not a good look!

3 The checkout

This is the most stressful part by far. All Aldi and Lidl checkout operators are trained by Usain Bolt and are continually trying to break the store record for the quickest checkout clearance ever! They like nothing better than watching you still packing your bags while the next customer tuts at your Inadequate packing procedure.

Tactics

Bizarrely, if there is no one in the queue, I pretend that I have forgotten something and go to the freezer section to get the Paw Patrol ice creams I need. A checkout with no one in the queue it is pure carnage as the operator gets a head start and starts flying things through before I've even got my bag and unloaded the trolley. No chance of success.

Through sad experience the key is:

A - Join a checkout with a queue.

B - Load heavy stuff first then lighter more delicate stuff next so that goes on top. The wrong way round and its carnage when you get home. A yoghurt mass murder and bread half the size but with the same calorie content.

C - Plastic bag open and at the front of the groceries . Crafty cashiers  try and leave the bag until a few groceries go through. Stop those shenanigans and insist bag first.

D - The first grocery in  needs to be heavy and put perfectly in the base of the bag. If you miss or fluff it you have blown it and you are then just chasing your arse.

One day, as the cashier sends the last grocery down, he or she will look up and see me with card in hand ready to pay. It has not happened yet, and is a long term dream, but it is high on my bucket list, well above surfing in Hawaii.