Tale 38 - Embarrassing Dad!

 Every day I take the Sassy Princess and the Prince of Tales to school. Every day they make a comment about my car! This is mainly due to the contrast between my car and the cars that other parents and carers are driving! Today outside the school was no different.

Other parents and carers = Sports Cars, Cabriolets, 4 x 4s, Luxury Cars.

Our idiot dad #sillyoldman = Fiat Panda 

Before taking them into the school yard, I decided to tell my children my philosophy on cars ! I have always driven very  ‘cheap crap’ cars and I have very strict rules when buying a vehicle.

1 It be under £1000 which I pay in cash.

2 End of rules.

Over the 30 years, I reckon I have had about 25 cars! I pay for them in cash and when they I have ran them into the ground, I scrap them!

I know nothing about cars. If people ask me what I drive I know the basics, but engine size etc, not a clue. Not interested. If it gets me from A to B is all I need to know.

Here is a list of my best cars!

• Skoda. The old fashioned Skoda was the butt of many jokes years ago so I had to have one.
• Yellow jeep. No idea what it was. Liked it as had carpets on floor. That was until I got it home and realised carpets covered massive holes so you could see the road. One hole was so big it was like ‘Fred Flintsone’s’ car and I could have put my feet through it! Thought I was Matt Goss when I was driving it (Google video of ‘I owe you nothing’ by Bros if you are young!)
• Black Hyundai. Loved it but drank petrol like water. Felt I was ‘Batman’ when I drove it! 
• The Multipla. Ugliest car ever. Six seats so could get the Dancing Queen, the Prince of Charms, the Gucci Princess, the Sassy Princess, the Prince of Tales and myself in! Three seats at front and three at back. Modelled on a dolphin I was told! 

• Camper van. It was enormous and white. Children used to cry when I drove past them as they thought I was an ice cream man! 

• The green frog. No idea what make it was. I paid £750 for it, and after one day someone smashed into the back of it, writing it off! Insurance company rang me, very apologetic, saying sadly they could only give me £1500 compensation for it! I tried to sound disappointed! 
• The Mini Metro. Left it parked on the hill outside my parents house. Next morning, came out to find it had been stolen. Seething. Was about to phone police when my dad saw it at the bottom of the hill, smashed into a wall. Joyriders? No, the blame lied with the idiot who had not put the handbrake on properly. Profit from the green frog instantly lost! 

Perhaps the highlight of my driving career though was when I scrapped the Nissan Micro that I owned in the late 90s. The scrapper weighed it, then called me into his office.

“Sorry mate, scrap value not great at the moment, I can only give you £10” he said.

“That’s fine” I replied (I had no great hopes of a big profit.)  “Give me the tenner and I will be off!”

“Sorry sir, we have to charge to scrap tyres, and it’s £2.50 a tyre” he informed me.

I laughed. “Looks like we are quits then, 4 tyres x £2.50 = £10!” I laughed.

“Not quite Sir, you have a spare in your boot!”

I must be the only car owner in history who has taken a car to be scrapped and left with a loss of £2.50!

I hoped my children would look at me with pride. I thought they would think;

 ‘Our dad would rather buy us treats than have a flash car!’ Before covering me in kisses.

Not a chance. The Sassy Princess opened the car door and was greeted by her friend. She quickly muttered “This is not our best car. My mum drives the best car. This is the scratty one my dad drives! He doesn’t care!”

I’m not sure what I don’t  care about, but I had no chance to ask as the Sassy Princess dashed off with her friend. 

The Prince of Tales picked up his bag and muttered;

“Nothing in life comes cheap dad.” 

Before walking into school ten yards in front of me, so that any association he might have with the Fiat Panda man would not be noticed!

Do you embarrass your children? What do you do that makes them cringe!