Tale 53 - A Cracking Nose!

 The Sassy Princess likes having the same colour hair as her dad.

The Prince of Tales likes having blue eyes like his dad.

However, all of my children, including the Gucci Princess and the Prince of Charms do not want my nose! It’s big, and a little bit crooked!

“Did you have a big nose when you were born?” Asked the Sassy Princess.

“No, surprisingly I did not come out of the womb with a Pinocchio nose” I replied. “It grow over time, so there is still time for you!”

The Sassy Princess grabbed her nose with horror! Her face in shock at the thought of her nose growing to the size of her dad’s!

The Prince of Tales, as usual, was a bit for more studious in his approach. “Why is it a little bit bent?” He asked.

“I broke it when I was 40.” I replied.

“Tell us how!” They both asked.

And a nose tale began.

At 40, you shouldn’t be playing football, especially when you have a plastic leg! I still was. 

It was a Saturday in 2009 and I was playing a match in Wakefield. The Dancing Queen had come to watch, so I was making a special effort to try and impress her!

During the first half, I jumped to head a ball, and smacked my nose on the back of the head of the opposition Centre Forward who was jumping with me. 

My nose started to bleed. 

I thought little of it, but at half time it felt a bit sore.

I approached the Dancing Queen.

“Does my nose look funny” I asked 

She studied it. “It looks broken to me, but it’s hard to tell with all the blood and dirt on your face.”

Like the idiot I am, I carried on playing. At the end of the game, I had a shower, cleaned my face and looked in the mirror. My nose was certainly swollen, but it was still hard to tell if it was broken. 

On Monday morning I went to the doctor. He told me it was broken, but nothing could really be done until the swelling went down. He booked me into Wakefield hospital where he said in a week or so they would reset it!

Now as you know, I have had a fair few operations and procedures, and they are not my favourite thing! Despite having so many, the thought of an operation still makes me sick!

“How will they reset it?” I asked.

“They send you to sleep so you don’t feel a thing. Then they reset it, very simple.”

‘Thank god for that ‘ I thought. I had visions of laying on a bed wide awake with only a local anaesthetic to protect me, and a surgeon cutting into my face with a knife!

A week passed quickly, and the day came to go to Wakefield Hospital which is right in the centre of the city.

When I got there, I was shocked!

The building and interior were like something out of the Victorian era. 

It looked and felt more like a spooky workhouse than an hospital! 

The first thing I got on my arrival was a disclaimer to sign.

It basically said that you agree to this procedure even though;

1 You may die.

2 It might hurt.

3 Your nose might end up upside down.

4 You might be ugly (or uglier) for the rest of your life.

“You can pull out now if you want. You can live a very normal life with a bent nose.” said the clerical assistant when I looked at the paperwork.

I was happy to sign. 

A no pain operation leading to a straight nose seemed a no brainier to me! My nose was very bent since the swelling had gone down and I looked like a boxer. 

Correction- a bad boxer!

I walked into the theatre. There waiting for me was a doctor and a nurse.

“Lie down Sir” said the doctor.

I lay down on the bed.

“Have you signed the disclaimer?” He asked.

I nodded.

He put his rubber gloves on.

“Right, are you ready?”

At this stage I was a bit confused.  Ready for what? - The medication to knock me out? 

“What do you mean?” I asked

“I’m going to reset it!”

And with that, he grabbed my nose with his hand.

“1,2,3!”

Just after the 3 he twisted my nose with a mighty yank!

There was an enormous crack that sounded like the breaking of a bone!

The nurse actually screamed!

I felt very, very sick!

The doctor looked worried. 

“Nurse, get a mirror!” 

I was now in agony, shock, and wondered what the hell my face looked like.

I was very concerned that my nose may have indeed turned upside down!

He asked me to look in the mirror. 

I was scared! 

To my great relief, the bend in my nose had gone.

“It looks good!” I said.

It did concern me that the doctor was relieved I was happy , as if he was thinking my face, and particularly my nose, did not look great! 

That was my normal face the cheeky git!

I walked out of the hospital in shock.

One thing I knew for certain.

If I ever broke my nose again I would live with a bendy nose! 

There was no way I would go through that again! 

The Prince of Tales nodded in an agreement.

“You are right dad. I would rather have a bendy nose that that operation!” he remarked.

I could not believe it! For once, the Prince of Tales agreed with me!

We cuddled!

“After all” he said” I would only have a small bendy nose, not a massive bendy nose like you!”

Dream shattered!

Have you ever been to hospital and received a procedure that you were not expecting! 

Let me know!