Tale 15 - From Ramsay Street to Coronation Street

 We were in the car on the way to school when the Sassy Princess had a question.

“Dad, have you ever met and spoken to a famous person?”

I nodded smugly as I gave a long list;

1 On my first teaching practice, I taught Richard Holian at Holy Name Middle School in Leeds. Richard played Jonny Briggs in the childrens TV show of the same name 

2 On my second teaching practice, I was a 6th form tutor at Guiseley Fieldhead School. Craig and Glenda McKay of Emmerdale were in the 6th form.

3 When I played football for Guiseley, Footballer of the Year Bobby Collins was my manager for a short spell. I also played against Kenny Burns, Brendan Ormsby, Eddie Gray, Frank Gray and Mel Sterland.

4 When Albion Sports won the inaugural UK Asian football championships (Long story and another tale!) John Barnes (Great footballer and rapper!) gave us the trophy and had his arm round me on the photographs at the end of the game.

5 When I played in the National Sunday FA Cup football final for Albion Sports, I was interviewed on Sky Sports as captain, and then received my medal from World Cup Winner Gordon Banks!

I looked in the rear view mirror proudly. I saw two screwed up faces!

“Never heard of any of them! They are not Tik Tok famous. They are not really famous people!”

I needed to save myself 

“Well I have a tale about a famous person.”

“Tell us.” They said. So I began the tale.

In the late 80s, about 6 months after my serious injury, I played for a Bradford football team on a Sunday. Basically a pub team called ‘The Bolton.’ They were a great set of lads.

One Friday afternoon, one of the players rang me up, a guy called Herbie. Herbie worked for Pennine Radio, now known as ‘The Pulse.’ He asked if I fancied a game that night on an AstroTurf pitch.

In the late 80s, AstroTurf was very rare, and the only ones I knew were used by professional teams at Oldham, Luton and QPR. 

I was excited to play, although unusual to play on a Friday night when we had a game on Sunday. But I was always keen for football so was never going to say no! 

I could not drive at this stage, so I was picked up by Herbie who was leading a convoy of about 5 cars full of our Sunday team players.

“Where are we playing Herbie?” I asked.

“Lancashire, so you can have a snooze for half an hour.”

Bit strange to be playing so far, but just presumed it was because we needed floodlights, and such facilities were hard to find.

We came off the M62 at Oldham. As soon as we came off I noticed large groups of people walking about.

“Looks like there is a pop concert or something on.” I said.

Herbie looked in the mirror at me. “No, it’s a football match at Boundary Park where Oldham Athletic play.”

“Oh right” I said, “Who are the playing?”

Herbie looked in his mirror. “They don’t have a game. We have!”

I was in shock. What was he talking about! As we got near the ground the number of people on the streets got larger and larger. We all parked in the club car park and went into the changing rooms. We all sat down in shock. One player piped up;

“Herbie, what the hell is going on!”

“Sorry lads I have not been honest, but I had to get you all here. I could not afford for anyone to pull out. Piccadilly Radio asked us for a charity friendly months ago and everyone forgot. They reminded us late last night, and my boss just told me to get an team of footballers asap. So I get you lot.” Said Herbie.

“Who are we playing?” I asked.

“Mike Sweeney’s Magic Eleven. Mike Sweeney is a DJ on Piccadilly, and his team are all ex professional and semi professional footballers and football playing celebrities!” 

“And who are we?” Another player asked.

“We are Pulse Radio, a team of local celebrities and professional and Semi professional footballers.” Said Herbie

“But we are just 14 lads who play for a pub on a Sunday!” Said our captain.

“You know that, I know that. The crowd and Piccadilly do not know that! Lads, tonight I have got you a game in front of thousands of supporters, on a professional ground. I ask one thing, if someone asks who you are, be prepared to make something up!”😬🤥

We all looked at each other. What were we involved in here. More to the point, who the hell was I going to be if anyone asked! 

We were changed and ready. The referee called us out. 

We walked up the tunnel towards the noise. As we walked the noise got louder and louder. When we got to the pitch it was breath taking. There were three to four thousand in the ground. Down the touchline was a group of cheerleaders with Pom poms who were belting tunes out in support of Mike Sweeney’s Magic 11.

It was then I made a big mistake. I blame my youth!

As we walked past the cheerleaders, one audibly pointed and me and said to her fellow cheerleaders ;

“ Look it’s the guy from Neighbours!”

(Please note! In the late 80s early 90s, Neighbours was the daily viewing of every student. Not only could you watch it at lunchtime, it was also repeated late afternoon, such was its popularity!)

Back to the tale

The right think to do was ignore this. However, I was stupid and panicked. My response 

“G’day Sport” in the worst Australian accent ever. 

My team mates next to me burst out laughing. The cheerleader smiled at me. God knows who she thought I was!

I lined up ready to play. I looked at the cheerleader. She was telling everyone I was the guy from Neighbours! 

I needed a plan. Best thing was to keep well away from the touchlines and take no throw ins. I needed to make sure  no one had the opportunity to have a good look at me and expose me as Pinocchio. 

Hopefully, the guy I was marking would not recognise me. He didn’t, but I recognised him! I was marking Kevin Webster of Coronation Street. Hopefully he was rubbish and I would not have to move much!

How wrong I was!

Mike Sweeney was not stupid. He was a very average footballer, but he surrounded himself with top players. Kevin Webster was good and we were getting an absolute battering! The crowd were so partisan it was incredible. We were the pantomime villains, which was not helped by the fact the crowd did not recognise any of us! At one stage the famous chant “Who the ******* hell are you!” Was being sung on the terraces. Never had it been so appropriate!

We were glad when the final whistle went. A deserved 5 1 pasting. I shook hands with the opposition, making another schoolboy error.

“Well played Kevin!” I said.

Celebrities don’t like being called their stage name. It was said nervously and innocently, but Kevin (I gave googled him, it’s Michael Le Vell) was not happy. He shook my hand limply and looked at me like an owner looks at a puppy next to a turd.

I trudged off, keeping to the centre of the ground so no one could look at me properly. As I went down the tunnel, the cheerleader was waiting and waved at me. I waved and sprinted into the changing room.

Inside the players all laughed. None of them had been asked who they were, and enjoyed the experience. I meanwhile was thinking how I could get out quickly. When I walked out, the cheerleader was waiting. She gave me her number. 

“Call me” she said.

My head was urging me to say “Sure thing Sheila!” but my common sense prevailed.

I never rang her. 

Long term I don’t think she would have been interested when she find out I was not in Neighbours. 

Short term, having a date where I had to pretend to have an Australian accent did not seem plausible. I ran to the car, keen to get back to Bradford! An experience I would never forget!

I turned to the Sassy Princess and The Prince of Tales.

“ What do you think.” I asked.

They both looked bored stiff!

“Kevin Webster! I’ve never heard of him. All that talk and you know nobody famous!” Said the Sassy Princess. The Prince of Tales nodded in agreement.

I was not leaving it.

“OK, if you two had to pretend to be famous, who do you look like and who would you be” I asked.

The Sassy Princess replied first.

“All my friends say I look like Gigi Hadid.”

I knew this would be a stunning girl who probably one child with sight issues says she looks like and this has now become everyone. I was right!

I then asked The Prince if Tales who he would be.

“Easy. I would be Ed Sheehan.” he said.

Of all the people in the world, I would say Ed Sheeran is someone he least looks like.

I decided to put the boot in. It might end in tears but it would teach him for knocking my famous personality tales.

“I think you look more like the kid from Stuart Little, or Kevin’s brother in ‘Home Alone’ who pees the bed.” I said.

Expecting a tantrum, I was surprised when he laughed loudly and coolly looked me in the eyes. 

“If that’s true, I’ll make sure I get in your bed tonight loser!”

Beaten again!

Have you ever had to pretend to be famous, or been mistaken for a famous person. Let me know!