Tale 16 - The Snitch!

 After dropping The Sassy Princess and the Prince of Tales off at school, I went to the supermarket to get a few items of shopping. I did not go to Aldi or Lidl, my usual haunts as I was in a rush and did not need the checkout pressure!

My car was in for its MOT so I needed to be in and out as soon as possible.

In the supermarket I rushed round for the 9 or 10 items I needed. When I got to the checkouts there were queues at all of them. 

What could I do? I only had ten minutes?

It was then I saw it. The self service ‘Express checkout.’ Perfect!

I joined the queue. I got to the front fairly quickly.  I was greeted by “Edna” who was ‘Happy to Help’ her badge said.

A checkout became available. I started scanning my goods. Edna walked over and said;

“Have you got cash?”

If this was daylight robbery it was not going to work. Everyone watching us, I’m a big man, you’re  a little old lady. What could you do unless your armed! On top of that I pay by card not cash! 

Give me your best I thought.

“No, I only have card!” I smirked.

“Well this machine cash only my old lovely so get back in the queue!” Smirk gone as Edna pointed to the sign above the checkout ‘Cash only.’

Walk of shame back to the queue and precious time lost. Some of the queue looked at me as if I should go to the very back of the queue. A ‘You had your chance and blow it’ look.

 No chance! I went to the front. I could feel eyes burning into my back!

Another checkout became free. I checked the sign. ‘Card and cash payment.’

I dashed to the checkout.I needed a bag. No bags. I looked at every self service checkout -  no bags. 

I stood by my checkout.I could say the queue hungrily looking at my place.

“Edna, Edna, can you get me a bag?”

“Of course my lovely.” Edna replied.

We were next to cashier number 1. Edna walked past thousands of bags to get to cashier number 27. Barbara was cashier number 27, and this was Edna’s chance to have a chat with best friend about last night’s episode of ‘Love Island.’

After a two or three minute chat, Edna brought a load of bags back.

“Here you are my lovely. Always happy to help!”

I opened the bag. I tried to hook it on the silver rails. I managed it with difficulty!

First item was a tin of soup. Good start as it will weigh the bag down. Scanned and put in bag! Next item. Pasta. Scanned and put in bag.

Machine starts to cry!

“Please place your item in the bagging area!”

It’s in the bag. I double checked it.

I shake the bag just in case the pasta has defied gravity and is hovering in the bag. No it’s still crying. Now it says the operator is coming and a siren starts flashing above my checkout. Edna walks over.

“Edna, I put my pasta in and ….”

Edna ignores me, puts a plastic card next to scanner, dials 999 on screen and walks off. 

Ok. Back in the game. Next item. Deodorant. I try to scan it. Nothing. 

Machine starts crying  “Please scan the next item.” Machine repeats cries very loudly. Everyone looks. Edna looks. I try to scan again. Still nothing. Edna strolls over. Her manner suggests she is dealing with an idiot.

Edna tries to scan. 

Nothing. I feel vindicated. 

“Something is wrong Edna. I was doing everything right.” I smugly responded. 

Edna had dealt with my sort before and her revenge was magnificent.

“Bernard, Bernard!” she yelled.

From the tins aisle popped an old gentlemen who was stacking shelves. 

“Yes Edna, what can I do for you?” asked Bernard.

Loudly, she shouted to Bernard pointing at the deodorant can. “This man badly needs deodorant, can you get him some as this one does not scan”

The queue smirked. Smelly man needs deodorant! Bernard walked to the cosmetics aisle, and a few minutes later returned with the replacement deodorant.

“Here you are Edna.” he said.

“Thank you my lovely” Edna flirted. She had obviously been watching too much ‘Love Island.’

I scanned the deodorant. Put it in the bag.

 Time was ticking!

Next was yoghurts in a tube that the kids like. Could not find the barcode! Where was it. Eventually found it hidden under a flap! Why hide it! I scanned it, put it in the bag. Machine now started crying big time!

“Unidentified object in bagging area!” The checkout was screaming “Thief!!” Everyone was looking at me.

Edna was in no rush. Someone else having problems. This gave me chance to plan my alibi. I checked the screen. Yes yoghurts had been scanned. I checked the bag in case I had picked something else up. No, all was ok.

Edna came over. I started to speak. 

“Right Edna, I put the yog……”

Edna put her finger to her lips. Put the card by the scanner, dialled 999 and walked off.

“Happens all the time my lovely, don’t worry.” She said.

So the checkout can scream “Thief” as many time as it likes and gets away with it. I wanted to give it a kick but there were too many people watching.

Next my can of energy drink. I needed this boost, especially after this experience. I scanned it. Put it in the bag. 

Checkout screamed again.

“The assistant will have to approve that.”

Siren flashing again. Edna busy with someone else. I tried to attract her attention. She seemed to be ignoring me deliberately. I eventually caught her attention. Her eyes seemed to roll.

“What’s up now my lovely.” she said, suggesting I was a pain in the arse.

“It says I’ve got to get you to authorise my energy drink.”

“Oh yes, you have to be 16 or over. You are in no danger there ” Edna laughed.

Edna was good at getting revenge. She was experienced at putting down customers.

I had now been at the ‘Express Self Service’ or ‘Snitch’ checkout for 10 minutes and done four items. The last few items fortunately went quickly. Milk, bread, cheese etc.

It then came to payment. I pressed the card button payment option and tried to pay contactless. 

“Your card has been rejected.” The snitch squealed. Over came Edna.

“Do you have money in your account.” Edna asked.

“Yes” I said. I was pretty certain but not sure.The thought of walking back past the queue, putting the items back on the shelves and leaving with no groceries after this experience was going to be highly embarrassing.

“Put your card in the machine and put your number in manually. Every now and again you have to do that if you have paid a lot out using contactless.” Edna informed me. 

Edna definitely thought I was an idiot.

Fortunately my card worked.

Surely that was the end. I lifted my bag out of the bagging area.

I was wrong. More questions from ‘The Snitch.” I slammed my bag down in the ‘Bagging area.’

“Do you want a receipt” squealed ‘The Snitch.’

I pressed no. Why would I want the receipt. I could not claim anything back and at this moment I was not planning a return visit anytime soon. 

‘The Snitch’ had not finished.

“Would you like to leave feedback?” 

There was a red button or a green button to press. Fairly simple, but I feel to truly grade ‘The Snitch’ a brown button was needed. This was not an option.

I left, as ‘The Snitch’ thanked me for shopping, and looked forward to seeing me again soon.

I walked out of the supermarket. 

I was late, but at least I was out. As I got to the supermarket doors I could feel my legs were wet. I turned round, and saw a trail of milk all the way from ‘The Snitch’ to where I was stood. The force of me putting the bag down had obviously split the milk carton.

Edna called for Bernard to get a mop.  “Deodorant man has caused a spillage!” she yelled.

I’m pretty sure I heard ‘The Snitch’ do a computerised laugh as well!

I trudged out of the Supermarket, milk squelching in my shoes.

Have you had issues with self service machines? Do you avoid them! Let me know.