Tale 18 - The Benson and Hedges Kid

 I am very lucky to be a House Husband.

When The Sassy Princess or The Prince of Tales win an award at school, I get an email on a Thursday evening inviting me to attend a presentation assembly the next morning. In the past I would not have been able to attend, but now I can.

They have won ‘Star of the week’ many times, and both have won ‘Star of Stars’ which is the top student of the term. I have told them both how proud I am of them. 

This led to the question “What was your mum and dad’s proudest day of your time at Primary School.” 

My proudest day was memorable for two reasons. The first reason I did not tell my children but I will tell you! 

As a child, I was brought up in a Catholic family. We attended church every Sunday. Sex Education was not a big topic of conversation in the Catholic community at that time, so my knowledge was very limited!

 A good example of this was my friend John or Johnny who sat next to me in school. When the teacher was out of the classroom, some wag would shout;

“Hey, can I borrow your rubber, JOHNNY?”  

This resulted in raucous laughter. I joined in, no idea what the joke was about! I became more mystified when I shouted “Can I borrow your rubber, Phillip?” And no one laughed.

Now why was the day in question so memorable for two reasons? Well;

1 It was ‘Cough and Drop’ Day.

2 It was the last day of Year 4, so the Headteacher had to choose a new ambassador. There was only one “Headteacher’s Ambassador and it was a sought after job! The job was given to a Year 5 as in those days in Year 6 we went to Middle School, before going to Upper School in Year 9.

Cough and Drop day meant nothing to me. However, the other boys in my class stories filled me with fear!

“What happens is you go into a room where there is a young beautiful nurse in suspenders . She inspects your willy and holds your balls while you cough to see if they have dropped. If you get a ‘Stiffy’ she whacks your willy with a ruler.” said Jimmy, my best friend.

This filled me full of questions I dare not ask. Everyone would laugh at me, especially after my disaster “Rubber Phillip” gag.

I wanted to know;

1 Why do they need to know my balls have dropped, and why am I coughing to prove it!

2 Why would I get a ‘stiffy.’ I knew I sometimes woke up and my willy was bigger than usual, but why would I nurse holding my balls cause this to happen.

3 Why would she slap my willy hard with a ruler!!

4 Why would the nurse be in suspenders?

5 What are suspenders?

I did not sleep the night before. I was petrified.

The next day, and I promise you this is true, the boys were taken to the changing area to strip to vests and underpants. All children had vests in those days! I was mortified when I realised I had my ‘Incredible Hulk’ underpants on. They would not have been my first choice if I had known! We were then frog marched in said outfit to a room near the Headteachers Office and we lined up, going into the office one at a time.

The queue was very very quiet but it did move quite quickly. I was soon at the front and was shaking! 

When I walked in, I was greeted by a friendly old nurse, not a stunner! I don’t think she had suspenders on! I got hold of my ‘Incredible Hulk’ underpants and was about to whip them down when the nurse grabbed my hand. 

“I don’t need to check those young man, but lovely underpants!”

She checked my chest, mouth etc, everything you would do for a general check up. When I walked out, Jimmy was at the front of the queue. He was very pale.I wanted to be kind and tell him there was nothing to be scared of. I didn’t though due to the stress he put me through. 

I grabbed my groin in pain and grimaced Michael Jackson style as I walked past!

I returned to the changing room and got changed.

We now move into the other reason this day was memorable which I did tell my children! 

As soon as I was dressed, I was told to report to the Headteacher. 

I was a good kid and never in trouble, so the visit was quite scary. I was invited in and told to approach his desk.

“Richard, you are a good boy. You attend every day, you are never in trouble, and you always attend mass. I am pleased to tell you that you are my new Headteacher Ambassador!”

He shook my hand and I returned to class. My class teacher made sure everyone clapped me. Some wags shouting “Well done little hulk.”

The Sassy Princess and The Prince of Tales were both impressed.

“Wow dad. Your mum and dad must have been very pleased!” said the Sassy Princess

“Oh they were. It was the biggest honour any student could have!”

“And what did you do?” They asked.

This is the problem. You did any errand that the Headteacher saw fit. The main errand was at least once a week to run to the corner shop and get the Headteacher his 10 Benson and Hedges cigarettes! 

The shop was about half a mile away, and they were in on it. I just had to say “I am here for the Headteacher’s ciggies!” This was the agreed password!

So basically my parents and family were proud that I was the Headteachers ‘Ciggie Boy.’ They were well aware of my duties, but they were more interested in the trust shown in me than the possible safeguarding issues! I also was sent ti the shop for my Grandad’s cigarettes so I had form!

It was a very different time, and even though sounds bad, it was also a very happy time! 

The Sassy Princess huffed “I’d have told him to get lost!”

I doubted this, especially as we still had the pump and the cane which were in the corner of the Headteacher’s office for all to see!

“I think it’s worrying dad!” Said the Prince of Tales.

Was he worried about the journey I had to take, or maybe the influence it may have had on me?

“I reckon your headteacher is dead now” said the Prince of Tales.

“Yes” I confirmed.

“That’s what smoking gets you. Death.” He whispered.

I let him keep that thought. I don’t want him to touch cigarettes. 

However, the Headteacher would be over 100 now, so the prediction he had died was a pretty fair bet.

Can you remember things at school that would never get past Health and Safety now? Let me know!