Tale 22 - Tea with no sugar

The Sassy Princess and The Prince of Tales love a funny tale!

I think that of all the ones I’ve told them, this one makes them laugh the most!

So it’s 1988 and I am in my hospital bed. My life has turned upside down after a freak football injury. I was operated on, but as you’ve heard before, the procedure was unsuccessful.

In those days, the problem with having an operation on a Saturday night is that the plaster cast specialists are not in work. Thus the cast is made by nurses. The cast I had on my left leg was massive! It was very heavy, so moving was difficult. It was a bit like having an anchor! 

One night on the ward I was trying to fall asleep when I heard a bit of a commotion. A loud voice could be heard heading into the ward.

Through the door came two nurses holding up a man with long grey hair and a beard. The man was singing loudly, and the nurses were trying to quieten him down. It was obvious he was very, very drunk.

No one was in the bed next to me. I had a feeling it would soon be filled!

“Come on Archie. Let’s get you into bed!” One nurse said.

“It’s too early for bed, shouted Archie. Let’s drink, drink and be merry!” 

“Maybe next week Archie, but we are working now, so you have a rest.” said the other nurse.

Archie was put on the bed next to me. He started singing again. The nurses gave him a bed gown and told him to change into it.

One of the nurses turned to me.

“Now young man, this is your new neighbour Archie. He is a regular here. He is your new neighbour.”

Lucky me.

They left Archie who started to work out how to put his gown on. A few minutes later the ward nurse came over to him.

“Archie, have you passed water tonight?” She asked.

Archie laughed loudly.

“I have no trouble passing water, it’s pubs I can’t pass!” Answered Archie.

I laughed, which got me a stern look from the ward nurse. She took down his details then came over to my bed.

“Archie has had too much to drink. He is a regular visitor here and comes in most weekends. Don’t worry, he is harmless.” She told me.

When she left I looked over at Archie who was already falling asleep. 

Archie obviously needed help, which was not available in those days. I had a physical injury which I was desperate to overcome. A mental injury in those days, and for many years after, was not treated with the same urgency. It is only in modern times that mental health has started to been given the priority it deserves.

In many ways I was luckier than Archie.

I tried to get comfortable and get some sleep. Archie was now snoring like a steam train! 

It was going to be a difficult night!

A few minutes later I heard a strange noise. It was like a tap running. I turned and looked at Archie. I can remember very clearly what I saw!

Archie was lying on his back. He had put his bed gown on the wrong way round, and his willy was sticking through the gap that should have been on his back. 

This was not the worst of it though! He had started to wee.

The yellow shower was shooting straight up into the air like a fountain,  landing on the floor between our beds!

But the worst was still to come!

Archie started to turn. He started to turn in my direction!

It was now like a scene from a Bond movie. 

James is tied on a rack by one of his enemies, and a circular saw or a laser is heading towards him. He needs to move quickly or he will be sliced in half. The villain shouts ‘No Mr Clarke, I expect you to die!’

The only difference was rather that be sawn in half I would be soaked in wee!

The wee was getting nearer and nearer. I was hoping the wee might stop, but I had the feeling that Archie had emptied John Smiths brewery that night. As he slowly turned, the wee got nearer and nearer.

I needed to get off the bed! But the pot on my left leg was weighing me down. I could not move!

The wee hit the side of my bed. It was still coming towards me!

I started to swing my right side to try and abort the bed. I was happy to fall off the bed to avoid the John Smiths shower.

I swung and swung but no luck.

I shouted for the nurses but they were at the bottom of the ward! 

“Please help!” I cried.

One nurse saw me, she saw the emergency and ran. She tried her best.

But it was too late.

The wee hit my chest, splashing all over my face and legs. I screamed. 

Bad move. 

Some went in my mouth. Some went in my jug of water next to my bed.

The nurse got there just as the wee stopped. It was too late.

I lay there covered in wee. The nurses did their best, but it took all week to get rid of the smell from my nostrils. 

I had no spare pyjamas so was given a pair of outrageous XXL ones that had seen better days and had a special odour I can’t describe.

The next morning, Archie woke up. He had sobered up considerably.

“How are you son. Did you have a good night?” He asked.

‘Are you taking the pi**’ I thought, before realising I took it, not him.

“Oh cracking!” I replied.

“Could I have a drink of your water?” he asked.

I thought for a few seconds. Chance for revenge?

“Best to get some fresh as my water has got a funny taste.” I said.

“You should have let him drink it!” said the Sassy Princess. 

“I don’t think he did the wee on me deliberately. He was ill.” I responded.

“What did it taste like?” enquired the Prince of Tales.

“It was warm, did not taste great.” I replied.

“Sounds like tea with no sugar?” The Prince suggested.

Have you ever tasted something by accident or are n purpose that now makes your stomach churn! Let me know!