Tale 24 - Scavenger or Thief

 It would be true to say I like a bargain. I would walk a mile to save a pound. 

As a teenager, I would walk home from town after a night out to save the taxi fare. Maybe sensible, maybe tight!

As I have got older, and the pounds have become more precious, I have became even more frugal. On holiday, I am a nightmare. I love to beach scavenge. However, I also love to pool scavenge. 

‘What is pool scavenging?’ I hear you say.

Below is my personal definition;

POOL SCAVENGING - The art of going to the pool in the evening when empty to find items left by holidaymakers returning home in the morning. Such items include inflatable flamingos , swans, pizzas etc as well as body boards and various buckets and spades. Said items are very expensive in the hotel shop, so a good scavenger can save around 50 British pounds a week!

In Crete during a recent holiday, The Prince of Tales, The Sassy Princess and I were up for scavenging. We love it!

The Dancing Queen hates it.

She says it’s ‘Scratty.’ 

She pleaded for the week off, but we ignored her foolish pleas for mercy.

First night we scavenged and found two body boards!  Result!

*Note to any potential scavengers who fancy having a go at scavenging after reading the blog. You need to be aware of ‘LAZY ARSES.’ 

Definition below;

LAZY ARSES - Families who have bust their inflatable or snapped their body boards and leave them on the side of the pool rather than putting them in the bin. LAZY ARSES cause scavengers to experience a massive high followed by;

A - An immediate low when you find a body board that it is snapped in the middle.

B - A delayed low when you get up in the morning and despite your best efforts to blow up an inflatable, it retains its sag. In other words, as my dad would say, ‘It’s knackered!’

So on our first night, one body board was perfect but other was left by a LAZY ARSE. However, the Prince of Tales still thought it had some life in it, so it became part of our stash!

Second night we got slim pickings.

The third night was unbelievable!

The Dancing Queen, who usually likes to distance herself from scratty scavenging, saw something exciting before tea. 

“You’re not going to believe this. There is a four seater flamingo left at the side of the pool!” She informed us.

This was holiday changing. A four seater flamingo cost 56 euros (I checked!) 

We made a plan. It mostly involved Daddy!

1 Eat tea.

2 Daddy to run and rescue flamingo.

3 Daddy to take flamingo back to hotel room.

4 Daddy to return to family a hero. 

We ate our tea quickly and ran down to the pool.

Disaster.

The flamingo had gone. Some other scavengers had beaten us to the booty!

However there were other rich pickings. Two inflatable beds (one in the shape of a Gin and Tonic glass with a cup holder, and one in the shape of a slice of water melon), a football and the cream of the crop, a two seater unicorn! 

I dashed back to the room with the booty. We all marvelled at our good work, and how the next day was going to be the best pool day ever!

It did not quite go to plan 

We got up early and took all our booty to the pool. I had to do four round trips to get it all there.

I then sat down and made sure all the inflatables were in good order, and not left by a notorious ‘LAZY ARSE.’

All were perfect!

We put the two seater unicorn in the water. It sailed like a luxury yacht!

It was then however that the trouble started.

A seven foot German gentleman came over to us with a toddler;

“We lost a two seater unicorn just like yours. Where did you get it my friend?”

I had many thoughts in my head;

1 How do you lose a four foot tall two seater unicorn?

2 What if it belongs to this little girl? She will be sad.

3 Am I a thief when it was clearly left by the pool?

4 Thank goodness the Prince of Tales has gone a walk to the shops with his mum as he would expose me as King Scavenger immediately!

I looked at the man straight in the eyes. 

“From the shop mate.” I said.

“OK Thank you” he replied. “I will keep looking for mine.”

The man left to continue his search. The Sassy Princess just stared straight forward until he was about 100 yards away. She then turned to me and said “Do you think it is their unicorn dad?”

I had a very Catholic upbringing and see myself as an honest man. Telling a lie did not sit well. The Dancing Queen and The Prince of Wales returned and I explained the story to the Queen (Not the Prince, definitely not the Prince!)

I also explained possible solutions I had thought of that may ease my guilt;

1 Give the man the Unicorn and say I was mistaken as I thought the Dancing Queen had bought it and truth is she has just informed me she found it.

Dancing Queen response - “No, that makes me look like I lied about finding it!”

2 Buy another one, pretend to find it and give it to the man.

Dancing Queen response - “He will think that’s weird that the man I just questioned as happened to find my unicorn.”

3 Give the man another inflatable, like the melon. Say we have loads and we are happy to share.

Dancing Queen response “Why give an inflatable away unless your guilty about something ?”

I could not win. It was either shut up or say to the gentleman;

‘Hi mate. I’m a liar . I am in truth a notorious scavenger. I found your massive unicorn that you somehow left by the pool (as you must have more money than sense.) I thought it had been left by a holidaymaker returning home. I did not want to admit that though as it’s makes me look like a ‘scratty’ modern day ‘Artful Dodger.’

I did not fancy that.

But then something changed the narrative! A group of English children confronted the Sassy Princess.

“That looks like our unicorn.” they said to her.

She was taught by the best.

“Don’t think so mate. Bought from the shop.” she coolly replied. 

The children glared then walked away.

So now we have two families claiming the unicorn? Only one can be right?

But wait!

Maybe neither own the unicorn?

Maybe this is a new level of scavenging!

My theory on the new elite modern day scavenger;

1 The modern scavenger questions families on their inflatables in case they have found them!

2 If they have found them, the old school scavengers like me feel guilty and hands over the booty!

3 The new elite scavenger is very clever. He/she’s avoids wasting time scouring the poolside and avoids carrying the booty to the pool the morning after and blowing it up. The old school scavenger does it all for them! 

Survival of the fittest one might say.

Probably absolute nonsense but it made me feel better. 

The Sassy Princess looked at me.

“We sorted them out daddy! Everyone wants our beautiful unicorn!” She said. She kissed me on the cheek and gave me a cuddle.

“I love you daddy. Nearly as much as my unicorn.” I had a warm glow. It lasted for ten minutes.

Why?

Well ten minutes later The Prince of Tales, The Sassy Princess and their three cousins jumped on the unicorn in unison. 

There was a large pop. 

This was followed by all the children slowly sinking into the pool.

The pop was significant. It was the sound of the wasted effort of;

1 - Scavenging.

2 - Re-inflating.

3 - Telling tall tales.

4 - Inventing conspiracy theories.

As the children trudged out the the pool, I consoled the Sassy Princess who does not grieve or love it seems for too long.

“Don’t worry dad. I’m over it. We will find another tomorrow. I fancy a swan or a flamingo next time!” And with that she grabbed the inflatable melon and threw herself in the water.

I retained the head of the unicorn as a trophy!  As I carried the trophy back to my hotel room, I saw the German holidaymaker again!

“Good news. We found our unicorn! It was in our room. Ours looks a lot better than yours does now!”

I had felt guilt for a man who could not see a four foot unicorn in his small holiday apartment, and was now mocking my decapitated inflatable.

“That’s great news. Make sure you look after it this time. They are very expensive!” I said.

He nodded and replied “For us both!”

I nodded, but stared at him in a content Yorkshire fashion thinking ‘No my friend it cost me nowt!’

Have you ever found something that has put you in an awkward situation?

What is the tightest think you do to save money?