Tale 37 - The Wrong Trousers

 The tale yesterday was all about crazes in schools over the last six decades. 

The Sassy Princess and the Prince of Tales love their ‘Pop its,’ but I have warned them they may get confiscated! 

This started a discussion, the Prince of Tales asking; 

“What does confiscated mean?”

I explained that when a child brings something to school that is either a health and safety risk (dangerous) or affects the learning environment, the teacher can take it from the child. This led to the Sassy Princess asking “What’s the most unusual things you have confiscated?”

And the next tale began!

Some items are not surprising re confiscation. Jewellery, cigarettes, shisha pens, toy guns,  jewellery, the latest craze like finger spinners etc are standard items that most Secondary School teachers will come across!

Some however are more unusual; 

1 - Five hundred pounds!

Sounds strange, but once I had to confiscate £500 from a boy who was randomly giving out £20 notes in the playground. The boy took the money from home and wanted to reward all his friends, who doubled in number when he started to flash the cash! 

His parents/carers were informed, and when they checked the boy had taken £800 they had put in a sideboard to pay for carpets! 

We found some of the outstanding £300 but not all surprisingly! I understand the local sweet shop did a roaring trade that night!

2 - A student! Yes, I had to once confiscate a student. The reason being that his dog followed him all the way to school and then sat by the main entrance. A dog or cat in school is like a magnet to children, and they like nothing more than stare at the cute animal through the class window rather than doing any work! 

When I tried to catch the dog, he would run a few metres away, wagging his tail like it was a great fun game. I had to remove or ‘confiscate’ the boy owner from his lesson and get him to come with me to walk the dog home! He followed his young master, but far enough away so I could not grab him! 

3 - A ‘Soda Stream!’ A group of boys were acting suspiciously in the canteen. It looked like some sort of fight might be startling. I dashed over, waded through the crowd, and was shocked to find a Year 10 boy working a Soda Stream!

“Now then!” I remarked, “Why are we getting busy with the fizzy!”

A brilliant comment I thought, but a joke based on a 1980s advert is unlikely to fill Year 10 boys in 2020 full of mirth.

“I’m making pop Sir. My ‘Soda Stream’ is my pride and joy” he replied. “The canteen ‘Radnor Spring’ pop is crap, so I told my mates I’d bring some proper pop in.”

To be fair, he was not charging anyone and was giving it out for free. (Unusual as there was potential profit! Little businesses, selling chocolate and sweets bought from the supermarket, are very common in schools amongst the budding ‘Del boys’)

Soda Streams are big heavy pieces of equipment and work using a gas canister! He had brought what looked like a tent bag to carry it, which also contained his PE kit, football boots and text books. A lot of effort! 

Due to the crowd, cost of the equipment and the gas canister, I confiscated it.

I rang his mum. 

“I’m afraid Your son has been getting ‘busy with the fizzy’ in school!” I said.

Again a wasted joke. This incident was late in my career and even the parents were younger than me. I needed a grandparent to make this joke work!

I explained to mum he had brought his soda stream into school. Mum confirmed he had got one for Christmas and ran to his bedroom to check it had gone! I’m pretty sure it had unless he had two, as I had one sat on my desk!

In time honoured tradition, mum informed me “She would kill him!” I took this with a pinch of salt, although as ‘Safeguarding Officer,’ a subsequent murder would not have looked good on my CV when I had already been informed of the crime.

I allowed Ben to take his soda stream home at the end of school. 

4 - A ‘pair of trousers!’ Why would I confiscate a pair of trousers? Well in truth, I didn’t, the PE department did, but the story is a beauty.

• A Year 7 boy, let’s call him Boy A, is in the changing rooms getting back into his uniform after PE.
• Boy A suddenly realises he needs the toilet, but it’s too late!
• A number 2 arrives in his trousers.
• Boy A tells PE staff, although the smell has already notified them first.
• Boy A removed from changing room. Trousers removed to be fumigated!
• Another boy appears, let’s call him boy B.
• Boy B can’t find his trousers.
• Boy B finds Boy A’s clean trousers.
• Realisation that Boy A has put Boy B’s trousers on by mistake!
• Head of PE gets worst job ever. Rings Boy B’s parents/carers. Explains Boy B is coming home in shorts because another boy has soiled in his trousers. 
• Mr Clarke informed by PE in his role  as Key Stage 3 Manager that Boy B’s trousers are in the wash and can be returned to him tomorrow! 

5 - A Naughty bedroom toy ! I saw a boy in the playground chasing after other children with a long white sausage. On closer inspection, I fully recognised what it was. When I asked boy where he got it and why he brought it to school he replied;

“It was in my mum’s bedside draw. I thought I’d bring it for a laugh as it’s a ‘toy’ one I heard my mum say!”

“Does your mum know you brought it?” I asked.

“Oh no, but I’m sure she would not mind!” He replied.

I beg to differ.

Item removed from child. In usual circumstances parents would be phoned with offer that they can collect it if they want. In this case, I saved both myself and parents the embarrassment and throw the ‘toy’ in the bin! (I did keep it for a week just in case mum wanted to collect it. I put it in my desk drawer as was too embarrassed to take it to the ladies in the office to put in the safe. I kept forgetting about it, and every time I opened my desk draw to get a pen, I slammed it quickly shut, especially when I had company!)

I did not tell the Sassy Princess and the Prince of Tales story 5, but story 4 was certainly a winner! 

The Sassy Princess, unsurprisingly, and in true ‘Del Girl’ mode, thought the Soda Stream was a great idea as ‘Radnor Fizz’ is indeed crap, and you could make lots of money! 

The Prince of Tales shook his head.

“You think the Sassy Princess wrong?” I asked.

“ No dad. I am in shock that Boy 2 and his parents wanted his trousers back! Someone had done a poo in them! Surely you could never look at them or wear them again?”

To be fair, he makes a good point! 

Are you a teacher who confiscated something that beats my top 5?

Are you a student who had something strange confiscated from you?

Let me know!