Tale 41 - Burned by Burns!

The other day, on the way to school, Capital Radio were doing a feature on rude celebrities. Basically, listeners were ringing in telling stories about a celebrity they had met who had been rude to them in real life.

For example, one listener said that Chris Tarrant had told him to ‘Get Stuffed’ when he asked for his autograph in a restaurant! 

The Sassy Princess listened carefully to every story. 

When the feature had finished, she turned to me and asked if I’d ever been insulted by a celebrity.

Of course I have, and of course she wanted to know all about it! 

When I was 18, I was playing for Guiseley Reserves and Youth team. I had enjoyed a fantastic season, and had been voted Young Player of the Year. 

My aim was to play for the First team, so I was over the moon when I was called up for the last first team game of the season against Sutton Town.

In truth,the game was a dead rubber. Guiseley were  safe and could not be relegated, so it was a good time to give some youngsters a chance.

I was very nervous……No, petrified! 

I knew this was a big chance to impress the manager!

Before the game,  we did the usual warmup. As I was warming up, desperately trying to calm my nerves, I looked at the opposition.

I could not believe what I saw!

Playing for Sutton Town was Kenny Burns!

Who was Kenny Burns!

He used to play for Leeds United. My team!

He was a Scottish international footballer!

He played in the 1978 World Cup!

He actually won the European Cup (now the Champions League) for Nottingham Forest! 

He was known as one of the hardest players ever!

Not only was I very nervous, I was now also in awe!

The game started.

It was a disaster from the off!

After three minutes, the man I was marking had a shot from the edge of the area. It was missing, but it hit me and went in the bottom corner!

Sutton Town 1 - 0 Guiseley (Scorer - Clarke own goal)

After seven minutes, the Sutton centre forward shoots. It whacks off my head, wrong foots our goalkeeper and flies into the top corner!

Sutton Town 2- 0 Guiseley (Scorer - Clarke own goal (again!))

So after seven minutes, we are two nil down and I am on an own goal hat trick.

In the history of football I have never once heard of someone scoring an own goal hat trick! I was about to make history for all the wrong reasons! There was still 83 minutes to go to get my third!

Our goalkeeper was asked by the Sutton supporters behind the goal what my name was! 

The cretin supplied the answer!

I was subjected to absolute dogs abuse about my performance, looks, and my possible place in the history books if I scored another own goal! 

There was only one thing to do!

I hid. I avoided the ball. I kept as far away from any involvement as possible! 

God knows how I was not subbed. Maybe even the Guiseley first team manager wanted to see a hat trick! 

The goals continued to flow, but fortunately, not courtesy of me! By the 89th minute it was 7-2 to Sutton Town. Kenny Burns hardly hard to break sweat, and was totally running the game.

With seconds remaining, the Sutton centre forward kicked pushed me, and as I fell, I twisted my ankle.

I hobbled around until the final whistle went.

When the final whistle went I fell to the ground.

My debut could not have gone worse. 

I had scored two own goals, got injured, been verbally abused for 83 minutes by the Sutton fans and played like a Wally!

But wait! 

Perhaps there was to be a silver lining! 

Kenny Burns, my Leeds United hero started walking towards me!

“Are you ok son!” He said in a thick Scottish accent.

“I’m fine thank you” I replied.

He leaned nearer to me.

What pearls of wisdom was Kenny going to pass onto me?

He stared straight at me and whispered;

“Count yourself lucky I didn’t kick you, I’d have broken your f****** legs you sh** tw**”

Cheers Kenny! It rounded off what was a truly great day, and certainly made me eligible for the ‘Insulted by a celebrity’ discussion! 

The Sassy Princess laughed. “He burned you!” 

The Prince of Tales looked at me, then said “Dad, you should have laughed in his face!”

“If I had done that Harry, you would never have been born!” I laughed. 

As soon as I said it, I knew the Prince of Tales brain was working overtime! Quickly, I shouted “Magpie” to avoid any uncomfortable questions! 

(If you don’t know what Magpie is, it’s a brilliant game we play when the situation requires it. See Tale 9!) 

Have you ever met a celebrity and had an unexpected conversation! Let me know!