Tale 47 - The Lollipop Lady

The Sassy Princess and the Prince of Tales love a story about my grandma, their great grandma.

I had a very close relationship with my grandparents, staying with them every weekend. In 1979, my grandad died. He was only 64, but a heavy smoker. A heart attack when he was 54 gave him a warning, but he never kicked the habit.

To this day I hate cigarettes. 

I was ten years old when he died, and I went to live with my grandma in her council house in the Greengates/Ravenscliffe area of a Bradford. My mum was expecting twins, so there was a lot going on!

I loved my grandma. She had one concern, her family. She never spent anything on herself. She worked in a mill for 50 years and only had her state pension to show for it. I’m pretty sure every penny of her pension was spent on her family, particularly me. She was very kind, and also calm. She never once showed any anger towards me. 

However!

I was aware though that she had another side, a side she was willing to show if the situation needed it!

I knew she was formidable. 

She never touched me in anger once, but when playing, she would punch you on the arm. She had a special punch where she had one knuckle further forward than the rest. It gave an all new meaning to ‘dead arm’ and hurt like hell! To a certain extent it was the warning you needed not to push her and make her angry, a bit like the Incredible Hulk! 

I could write a book on stories about my grandma, but this tale takes us back to 1978. My grandma had come to my mum and dads house to visit. I was out playing football on a grass island which was just across the road from my house.

Most of my spare time was spent playing football. There would often be a full eleven a side game on the ‘island,’ with jumpers for goalposts! 

Now I am not a violent person, and can’t remember ever starting or wanting to start a fight. However, one kid on the estate particularly wound me up!

Adrian was the same age as me. His favourite thing to do was run on the island during the football match and steal the ball, or kick it as far as he could. He was happy to throw a few punches at you if you tried to get it back. He had two younger brothers, twins, who were equally irritating! 

The match was getting to its climax, 19 - 19, next goal the winner!  Just as I was about to score the winner, Adrian came from nowhere and ran on the pitch and dived on the ball. As I tried to grab it off him, he threw a punch at me! 

It missed, but for once, I lost the plot.

I hit him and left him crying on the floor. His brother came for me and I hit him too. They were both crying, one on top of the other, in the middle of the road between the island and my house.

I knew this spelt trouble, as you would not be surprised to hear that the bullying children had a bullying mother and grandmother. They were well known on the estate.

I ran to the garage next to our house. Minutes later, Adrian, brother and grandma came storming to my house. Adrian’s grandma had a massive stick, like a broom handle, that she was waving menacingly.

I spied on them as she banged on our back door.

“Get out here now if you know what’s good for you !” Adrian’s grandma shouted through the letterbox.

I expected my mum to come to the door, but no, my grandma opened the door. She was not big height wise, but her muscles were well defined, especially in the crossed arms stance she was taking in the open doorway! 

“What do you want?” She asked.

Adrian’s grandma looked shocked. She was expecting my mum, not this woman! “Your kid has hit my grandchildren for no reason. I want him out here now. He needs to be taught a lesson!”

My grandma stepped towards Adrian’s grandma.

“He hit these two?” She asked.

“Yes” shouted Adrian’s grandma. “Are you stupid? Can’t you see the marks on their faces!”

This was a bad move. My grandma went nose to nose with her.

“ I’ve watched your sons. They are a couple of bullying sh****. They deserved all they got. And as for you, don’t you dare come shouting on this doorstep again. You have thirty seconds to get off this property. If you don’t, I’ll ram that stick in your hand so far up your arse (bum to my children!) that it will give an all new meaning to the term ‘Lollipop Lady!’ Now Bu**** off!”

There was fire in my grandmas eyes I had never seen before.

I was scared. Adrian’s grandma was scared. Adrian and his brother could not get through the gate quick enough. All three had gone well within the thirty second time limit! 

When I went back in the house a few minutes later, my grandma give me a hug. She looked me in the eye before tenderly growling “Anyone threatens you or your family, you whack them.” She said.

She did not know that I had seen her ‘chat’ with Adrian’s grandma.

It was probably not the best advice for a peaceful life, but the ideal of standing up for your family has always stayed with me.

The Sassy Princess laughed. 

“Your grandma is the ‘Slay Queen’” she laughed. “I love her!”

I could not have said it better myself. If we all have one hero or heroine in our lives, my grandma is mine.

Have you a family member that you remember with awe? Let me know!