Tale 50 - The Chuckle Brothers

 

April Fools Day is  a bit of a nightmare in the Clarke household. 

The Sassy Princess does not put much effort in. 

She tried to tell me when I woke her up it was the weekend and not a school day. 

I’m getting on, but my memory is better than that!

The Prince of Tales makes it a marathon. Everything is an April Fool!

For example

“It’s raining dad.”

I look outside

“April Fool!”

“Dad, we’ve run out of toothpaste”

I dash to bathroom 

“April Fool!”

You get the picture. Every conversation is an April Fool.

When we got to the car, I was told I had a puncture.

I looked at Harry.

“April Fool by any chance?” I asked.

He nodded.

To stop death by April Fool, I asked them both if they wanted a tale about someone who tried to fool me at work?

To my relief, they did!

At Holy Trinity Senior School, I made many friends. One of my best was Mick, who was the caretaker at the time. 

In the mid to late 1990s, two young teachers arrived at the school. We immediately christened them the ‘Chuckle Brothers’ because they;

1 Were very immature.

2 Were both plonkers.

3 Were always laughing.

4 Had haircuts like toilet brushes 

5 Looked like they should work on CBeebies.

However, their hearts were in the right place. They worked hard and  were good for the school. Everything looked rosy - until they started to play above their station!

A 10km race had been organised at Ogden Reservoir for charity. Mick and I were keen to support the event, and we both felt we were fit enough to complete it. We were both in our thirties and the course would be difficult, but we felt we had enough in the tank to get through it!

We were surprised when the Chuckle Brothers told us they had entered too. We were even more surprised when they announced in the staff room they would beat us and were prepared to wager a few quid on it!

We obviously accepted the challenge as we would have lost face in the staff room if we had done anything else!

As we left the staff room, I turned to Mick.

“Are they runners?” I asked.

“ I don’t think so.” He replied. “Surely they can’t beat us?”

I agreed, but their confidence was unnerving.

What we didn’t know was that the Chuckle Brothers had a plan! 

The start and finish of the race was at Ogden reservoir, and was only 50 metres apart.

In the 50 metres between start and finish there was a small wood.

The Chuckle Brothers planned to;

• Fall behind us at the start at the start of the race.
• Run into the wood whilst we could not see them.
• Have  a little picnic in the wood  (which they would plant there before the race) 
• Watch for us, and then rejoin the race just behind us. They would be fresh as daisies and be able to sprint past us no problem and win the bet!

It was the day of the race and I don’t mind admitting I was a little nervous! I had not had a cross country race since I was at school!  Mick and I walked to the start line, where we found the Chuckle Brothers going through an elaborate warm up routine. 

The starter asked for the athletes to come forward. Mick and I wanted to get a good start, so we got as near to the start line as possible. 

The gun went and we were off! 

We made a great start. After about half a mile we looked back. Already, the Chuckle Brothers were out of sight!

This was going to be easy money!

Little did we know that the Chuckle Brothers were now in the woods having a shandy and a banana sandwich! 

The race was tough. 

Lots of hills, lots of puddles and lots of mud! 

It tested both Mick and I, and we were glad to see the approaching wood which we knew was near the finish line.

Unknown to us, the Chuckle Brothers were hiding behind a tree waiting for us to come past. They saw us. They waited. As soon as we passed them they ran out to overtake us!

The problem is they never did! They were so unfit, they could not catch two thirty year olds who had already run nearly 10km!

When Mick and I finished, we turned round to see if there was any sign of the Chuckle Brothers. We were surprised to see them just behind us! They must have really comeback at us!

However we were even more surprised when the Race Marshall collared them both and give them a right rollocking! He had seen them cheat and join the race from the woods! Both were disqualified (Yes, from a charity race) and sent home in disgrace in front of children and staff.

Monday morning, both paid the bet they lost, and extra for cheating, which was donated to charity.

Clarkey and Mick 1 - 0 The Chuckle Brothers 

You would have thought they would have learned their lesson.

Not at all.

A couple of days later, the stapler went missing from my office. I thought little of it to be honest. That was until I asked Mick if I could borrow his stapler. 

His had gone too?

Later that day, the Chuckle Brothers came up to us grinning. They asked if they could borrow a stapler, before bursting out in laughter. Mick and I then found anonymous ransom demands in our pigeon holes in return for our staplers back.

You did not have to be Sherlock Holmes to deduce who the Stapler kidnappers were.

Stealing staplers is about as lame a trick as I could think of. Who would pay a ransom for a stapler! They could keep it! 

However, they could not get away with it. 

Mick and I decided it was important that our reply was both swift and decisive. 

Like a hammer hitting a nail.

We put one of the Chuckle Brothers cars for sale in the Exchange and Mart. The car was worth a few thousand pounds, so you can imagine the number of responses they got when we listed it at £500 with their phone number! 

The Chuckle Brothers begged for the advert to be removed.

Clarkey and Mick 2-0 The Chuckle Brothers 

I know what you are thinking. 

Surely now , the Chuckle Brothers have learned their lesson. 

It’s time to admit defeat and move on.

Not at all. They still thought they could beat us!

The next time, they stole our drawing pins. Yes, drawing pins!

Again we got a ransom note. 

Again we were not bothered about the drawing pins. 

But again, they need to learn, this time like a hammer hitting a grape.

We put the Chuckle Brothers in the Lonely Hearts section of the local newspaper.

Chuckle Brother 1 advert -  ‘IT geek requires older woman for fun on his PC. Up for anything as long as it’s finished before 9pm as that’s Horlicks and teddy time. Ring ***********.

Chuckle Brother 2 advert -  ‘Young man seeks older, wiser woman for mothering. Not interested in any monkey business, just wants story time and lots of cuddles. Ring ***********

As one Chuckle Brother was married, and one lived with his mum and dad, the phone calls did not go down well.

Clarkey and Mick 3-0 Chuckle Brothers 

The Chuckle Brothers were now begging for mercy. 

It was time to end this once and for all. 

Both Chuckle Brothers agreed to sign a contract! 

The contact, which had to be signed, is for your enjoyment below. 

I have kept it for 25 years! 

And do you know, they never tried one of their silly tricks again! 

Final Score 

Clarkey and Mick 4 - 0 Chuckle Brothers 

The Prince of Tales laughed. “Thank goodness we have no numpties in our family like the Chuckle Brothers!”

I smiled, knowing full well that twenty five years later, one of the Chuckle Brothers is in fact their uncle! 

Have you got an embarrassing relative? Let me know!